I hope you are in good mood upon reading this letter. It's been months, oh now a year already that I almost totally got out of my inner self. I thought that my experience upon experience already made me stronger and no challenges can break my soul again. But with what you have shown me, I realized that in life we should never stop creating ourselves for you made me feel completely worthless and again you almost ruined me emotionally.
I don't hate you though I want to thank you.
It took me months before I finally realized that it wasn't me not being good enough for you, but you were not being good enough for me. Though I constantly reminding myself that relationship should be shared by two different people having a common goal to love and satisfy the needs of others and I am trying to convince myself that I wasn't able to satisfy you in what so ever circumstances we had. But you also have to admit that I also deserve better than just being ignored, I deserve better than just by being manipulated, I deserve better than just being judged and labeled as a person that I was not. I deserve better than you.
I know I'm not the person as I was these past few months because I would never give someone complete power over me where I feel worthless. I have consumed nothing but negativity for a while. Good thing there are still a lot of people who can be a source of light to other people's darkness. And I was so thankful to them because they bring back my courage and faith in myself when at times I woke up every single day drowning and hoping your hand will pull me up and save me. But I was wrong, I realized lately that your hands were never there to save me, but instead you were there to push me below the surface and it adds to my sorrow and pain but it's okay. For I know someday, someone will going to save me because God is faithful even though sometimes I lost my confidence in me. But he never was, he never fails to show me His love and mercy everyday.
I just want you to know that you add darkness during my toughest day in my life. I trusted you with all my heart. I told you every single part of my dark life. When in fact I never ashamed of them because that's how God made me for who I am today. I know you are a good person, but next time asks yourself, what it was you ever did to me. Imagine me, someone who trusted you, consider as my best greatest confidante but it turn out to be the other way around. I don't blame everything to you. But imagine me, someone, who blame herself for being not good enough, someone who almost lost her faith in herself, someone who almost got lost how a relationship should be despite her undeniably years of experience. Imagine and feel all of these, I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden in my heart.
And now I want you to think of the person I have become, and I want you to know that I am thankful for you creating someone that I am not. I am no longer feel worthless, I no longer have to force happiness. No more do I have to seek validation from others just to feel that I am worthy. I am thankful you were part of my life because you are the worst best thing happen to me.
I do hope you're happy, and I just want you to know I don't regret having you. I would never wish for you to experience the same hell as me, I just wish you the same happiness that I can finally experience everyday without the approval of others. Thank you for engulfing me in darkness, thank you for helping me grow, and thank you for pushing me further below the surface. For you have thought me to trust myself more without the opinion of others and most specially you have thought me to trust God more than ever without the help of others. Too many great things have come from that darkness. Too many great things have come from you. And I wish and hope that too many good things will happen to you specially what all you heart desire.
For in the end, We accept the love we think we deserve.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Letter to Person who almost ruined my faith
I am a homeschooler by profession, a librarian by license, a mother by heart...But what I am proud the most is that I am God's child above all. In God's eyes, I am still a work in progress. This blog is not about perfection (so don't mind about the grammar) or sanity, It's about a normal life of a mother trying to feed small mouth to have a great soul in the future. Wanted her children to know what life is all about and how to go through it. To make a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction despite the everyday failure in life.