Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Letter to Person who almost ruined my faith

Dear Someone,

I hope you are in good mood upon reading this letter. It's been months, oh now a year already that I almost totally got out of my inner self. I thought that my experience upon experience already made me stronger and no challenges can break my soul again. But with what you have shown me, I realized that in life we should never stop creating ourselves for you made me feel completely worthless and again you almost ruined me emotionally.

I don't hate you though I want to thank you.

It took me months before I finally realized that it wasn't me not being good enough for you, but you were not being good enough for me. Though I constantly reminding myself that relationship should be shared by two different people having a common goal to love and satisfy the needs of others and I am trying to convince myself that I wasn't able to satisfy you in what so ever circumstances we had. But you also have to admit that I also deserve better than just being ignored, I deserve better than just by being manipulated, I deserve better than just being judged and labeled as a person that I was not. I deserve better than you.

I know I'm not the person as I was these past few months because I would never give someone complete power over me where I feel worthless. I have consumed nothing but negativity for a while. Good thing there are still a lot of people who can be a source of light to other people's darkness. And I was so thankful to them because they bring back my courage and faith in myself when at times I woke up every single day drowning and hoping your hand will pull me up and save me. But I was wrong, I realized lately that your hands were never there to save me, but instead you were there to push me below the surface and it adds to my sorrow and pain but it's okay. For I know someday, someone will going to save me because God is faithful even though sometimes I lost my confidence in me. But he never was, he never fails to show me His love and mercy everyday.

I just want you to know that you add darkness during my toughest day in my life. I trusted you with all my heart. I told you every single part of my dark life. When in fact I never ashamed of them because that's how God made me for who I am today. I know you are a good person, but next time asks yourself, what it was you ever did to me. Imagine me, someone who trusted you, consider as my best greatest confidante but it turn out to be the other way around. I don't blame everything to you. But imagine me, someone, who blame herself for being not good enough, someone who almost lost her faith in herself, someone who almost got lost how a relationship should be despite her undeniably years of experience. Imagine and feel all of these, I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden in my heart.

And now I want you to think of the person I have become, and I want you to know that I am thankful for you creating someone that I am not. I am no longer feel worthless, I no longer have to force happiness. No more do I have to seek validation from others just to feel that I am worthy. I am thankful you were part of my life because you are the worst best thing happen to me.

I do hope you're happy, and I just want you to know I don't regret having you. I would never wish for you to experience the same hell as me, I just wish you the same happiness that I can finally experience everyday without the approval of others. Thank you for engulfing me in darkness, thank you for helping me grow, and thank you for pushing me further below the surface. For you have thought me to trust myself more without the opinion of others and most specially you have thought me to trust God more than ever without the help of others. Too many great things have come from that darkness.  Too many great things have come from you. And I wish and hope that too many good things will happen to you specially what all you heart desire.

For in the end, We accept the love we think we deserve.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

And So why nga?

Why is English so hard? This has been circulating in social media recently or maybe long time already (huli lang ako sa balita). 

Actually I am one of those people who find this so reasonable (nagpapalusot lang po hehe). Parang Marian Rivera lang ang peg, haha Hindi dapat sukatan ng talino ang husay sa pag ienglish -- Marian Rivera.

Did I really regret why I didn't take my student life so seriously, specially when it comes to English subject, though I enjoy every bit of it telling my children walang halong pagsisisi. 

But if given a chance and giving the right advise to them. I will definitely tell them na huwag na akong tularan pa. I've done so many mistakes in my past and I can relate those mistakes for not taking the English subject so seriously. I am telling them this not because I am wiser than them but because I know how much pain they need to go through if they will not take life a bit serious at an early age. 

People will judge you according to the norms and standards of the world and society. Pag hindi ka marunong mag English bobo ka, at kagaya din ng mga sumusunod, pag nangutang sa iyo ng nine times then doon sa ika ten times wala ka ng ipapautang, masama na ugali mo, pag nabuntis ka ng hindi kasal pokpok ka na, pag gusto mong mangarap mayabang ka. Pag naayos mo na ng konti buhay mo nag iba kana at hindi kana ma reach. Haha anong connect.  These are the cruelty and reality of life and being not so good in English is one of the things some people can judge you as stupid and ignorant..

And the not so good in English is one hell of a battle that I need to overcome. Specially when you are mix up with thousand of highly intellectual people. Educ grad eh! Nagmasters pa so mataas expectation (salamat talaga sa editor ko hehehe). I thank God I passed that stage looking back I am just so grateful for the high expectation. Na untill now trinatrabaho ko pa rin hehe. But one thing for sure, I may not be so good in it but what is important is I am willing to learn continuesly,  improve myself and overcome the change and challenges of life.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

We've Learned from our Mistakes

I was about to write the third step on how to Pay off debts since I and my husband promised that we will share everything we've learned in any way possible. After all the bad things happened to us in the past it's a way of giving back (kahit sa blog lang) so that they will not experience what we've been through. I want people to know that there is hope and there is a big God more than their debts and problems, that they don't need to worry even though they are drowning with debts, been there done that. But before sharing the 3rd step, with a lot of blessings coming our way these past few months I just wanted to share something first.

When that happened to us my interpretation of God's words became different. It became positive, writing some few verses that help us then get through it, that might be useful sa makakabasa. 

      For I know the plan I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -- Jeremiah 29:11

Eight (8) years ago turning nine (9) this coming August, I still remember because I was about to give birth with my youngest, she is turning nine this coming August. Our life was way, way, lot more different from today miles and miles away if I may say. Thinking how we survived that chaotic part of our lives was still a big mystery to me and my husband. We are drowning with debts, we are living in a one bedroom apartment because the other room need to used as a stock room for my husband business venture. I have three little kids who are still depending on us, no cars, no savings, a lot of posts dated checks need to be paid, lenders calling me left and right just to remind us that they need to bank in their check as soon as possible, living in a paycheck to paycheck salary and not even enough to sustain our everyday needs, because our salary was less than the amount of debt we need to pay, cancer- afflicted me, operated twice, became a single mother of three in an instant (My husband went overseas) some of the most important people in our lives past away without any signs. It was really a rock bottom life. 

       And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 4:19

Buying something for my children was not on my priority list at that time. I remember one time going back home after office hour, I was thinking of my son and I wanted him to buy a pair of socks. I was with my co-worker walking because we wanted to save our money on transportation, we saw this guy buying used sim cards in the market. Oh, by the way, my husband went overseas after realizing that there is no way we can pay the damage done to us after what happened to our last business and he left everything behind, well what I meant was, he left all the garbage but not his responsibilities. Imagine one room full of garbage? what am I going to do with those garbage? At that time if only I can do magic and turn those garbage into money better isn't it, problem solve, but it was not easy. I ask my husband at that moment on the phone, and without blinking and hesitation maybe out of loosing interest to the business he just told me to throw away everything and he doesn't want to see them again when he comes back (I know those garbage cost a lot but since I am not an Engineer for me they are mere garbage),  but God really works in mysterious ways I was able to dispose and benefit from them, little did I know that after selling those bunch of sim cards I am in front of a vendor buying socks for my son since the next day was the opening or the first day of school and he still needs new pair of socks to wear . Thinking now, those events were meant to happen, because those experiences made us who we are today, it is true that you cannot share unless you have something to share, it gives us more faith and understanding that during those rough times it was the biggest blessing we ever had. 

     Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. -- Matthew 11: 28

Why had the biggest blessing? because my husband and I learned so many things it's a kind of OJT, the most expensive on the job training about life,  that when you cannot do anything about the situation just close your eyes and take a deep breathe. We learned to depend on Him. We learned to ask for something extraordinary, I even challenge Him  (Well God loves challenges, by the way, just to prove that we are wrong and He is right, that He is more than we ask for), we learned the power of humility which we need in able to survive. It was so amazing that most of our lenders which we didn't run away were so kind they even gave us food sometimes just to survive, they supported us all the way. Because during those times It was really difficult to eat decent meals if all our lenders will ask us to pay them all at one time. I save every bit of my salary and every remittance my husband send me just to pay our monthly dues. 

*April 19, 2011, was our freedom day, last payment of the remaining check,  free from debts and from that day on we read, we study, we listened to any informative things then we share as much as possible para ma retain sya. Sabi nga pag nagkamali huwag ng paulit ulit. Now we believe money is not the problem of every person but their pride and attitude.

   For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. -- Psalms 91:11

During those hard times real friends came, those people whom I never imagine I will ask favor from them, sometimes they even have the initiative to lend me money when gas run out when milk was on their last scoop and diaper was on the last piece. (That is why I believed in Angel) God really send the right people to us. Each day was a miracle for me at that time, every struggle there was an answered prayer, and even me, I cannot explain how those things and events happens and those people came out every day. Though according to Bo Sanchez "God stands by his friends. I became more faithful to him, I've learned the power of tithing, the power of giving more than receiving. Now no regrets with all those events. God really works and walks in a mysterious way. We may not know what His plan for us today, but rest assured that He will never leave us nor forsake us. And those angels they remained loyal to us, and it didn't end there because more angels keep on coming.

Have a happy and fruitful life.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Liberal versus Traditional

While browsing Facebook some post got me motivated to share my thoughts about being liberal or traditional. Let me start this writing by defining these two words. LIBERAL means willing to respect or accept behavior or opinions different from one's own, open to new ideas while TRADITIONAL define as an existing in or as part of a long established tradition; habitually done, used or found.

Writing this is just base on my own personal opinion, but also based on my own personal experiences so reading this try not to be judgmental. For they say experience is still the best teacher in life if you really wanted to succeed and find true happiness. A person can be highly and academically intellectual in school but ignorant, unhappy and foolish in real life. Socrates believed that there were different kinds of knowledge, important and trivial. He acknowledges that most of us know many "trivial" things. He states that craftsman possesses the important knowledge, the practice of his craft, but this is important only to himself not to others. But this is not what Socrates is referring to, He is referring to the most important of all knowledge and that is "how best to live". He put forward as the factor as a basis of arguments and that is not easily answered, and most people live in shameful ignorance regarding matters of ethics and morals.

Now let us go deeper and take a look at the broad side of which of the two can help us go through in life. I am not an expert I am just trying to share something that my children might be able to read in the future. I cannot say that I am too traditional because I believed that there are some ways or some few things in the past that needs to be buried behind. 

For example in my family we homeschool our children, we encourage them to accept the fact that mistake and failure are two normal things that they need to embrace, that all they need to do is just think of the ways how to go through it and what to do if they commit mistakes or if they fail. No one taught us about how to face failure but in reality failure is part of life, you cannot appreciate success if you don't know what failure is all about. We homeschool them not because they have problems or because we cannot afford to send them to regular school. We believed in the saying that if we think education is expensive try ignorance. We homeschool them because we believed that they need to embrace changes just like how we embrace TELEVISION, COMPUTER, AND TECHNOLOGY that they need to realize that improvement is parallel to changes. How a person is able to improve if his doing the same thing over and over again and wanting a different result, taking the same road and wanting the different destination  that is totally foolish

We don't have anything against traditional school because without it weren't able to know the basic, but we believed that there are more than the world can offer, most people know this especially those who started living their dreams after they realize finishing first in school is not the end result of being successful, that life is a race of reality of everyday event happening in our lives not a destination that everyone is expecting no finish. That is why no one can define us because of our mistakes or because of our decision we make. In reality, we are the one doing our destiny, our happiness.

Next we teach our children the importance of money and relationship, Money is not the main thing in our family because if it is, my children are all wearing NIKE, playing the IPAD, having all this luxurious thing that money can buy then buried ourselves in debt, but it isn't, because we believe that literacy is better than ignorance, we believe in love, integrity, discipline and honesty. Actually according to survey these people are not really rich because truly rich people believe that financial independence is more important than displaying high social status. That is why we believe that we need to teach our next generation the importance of how to be financially literate or else the cycle will go on and on and we don't want that to happen. We wanted our children that at the end of the day when we don't have all the time and energy to help people they will be there to continue what we have started with their time, energy and resources, because we also believe if we can give more than our time why not maximize the thing if it is possible. 

Being traditional is good but there are also pros and cons. For example in a family, the male is the sole responsible for taking care of the families economic needs that are good because the wife has all the time to take care her children but with our modern world we cannot consider these things. Unexpected things might happen and we as a wife may not be ready yet same goes with our children because they might be getting used to it, believing having somebody around all the time to pick up their pieces. In a traditional environment, parents and children relationship are strong and stable but wait till both parents and children feel the burnout. As children are growing we as a parent must learn how to let go and we cannot just do this if from the start we didn't train ourselves that our children are not our possession, for according to Kahlil Gibran a prophet:

"Our children are not your children. 
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, 
and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts. 
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls, 
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams."

There is only one goal I believe that every human individual wanted in their lives and that is to be HAPPY. If being traditional makes you happy be it, and if being liberal makes your life better just go on and makes your life better and always remember this...

" People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost ". --Dalai Lama

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