Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Letter to Person who almost ruined my faith

Dear Someone,

I hope you are in good mood upon reading this letter. It's been months, oh now a year already that I almost totally got out of my inner self. I thought that my experience upon experience already made me stronger and no challenges can break my soul again. But with what you have shown me, I realized that in life we should never stop creating ourselves for you made me feel completely worthless and again you almost ruined me emotionally.

I don't hate you though I want to thank you.

It took me months before I finally realized that it wasn't me not being good enough for you, but you were not being good enough for me. Though I constantly reminding myself that relationship should be shared by two different people having a common goal to love and satisfy the needs of others and I am trying to convince myself that I wasn't able to satisfy you in what so ever circumstances we had. But you also have to admit that I also deserve better than just being ignored, I deserve better than just by being manipulated, I deserve better than just being judged and labeled as a person that I was not. I deserve better than you.

I know I'm not the person as I was these past few months because I would never give someone complete power over me where I feel worthless. I have consumed nothing but negativity for a while. Good thing there are still a lot of people who can be a source of light to other people's darkness. And I was so thankful to them because they bring back my courage and faith in myself when at times I woke up every single day drowning and hoping your hand will pull me up and save me. But I was wrong, I realized lately that your hands were never there to save me, but instead you were there to push me below the surface and it adds to my sorrow and pain but it's okay. For I know someday, someone will going to save me because God is faithful even though sometimes I lost my confidence in me. But he never was, he never fails to show me His love and mercy everyday.

I just want you to know that you add darkness during my toughest day in my life. I trusted you with all my heart. I told you every single part of my dark life. When in fact I never ashamed of them because that's how God made me for who I am today. I know you are a good person, but next time asks yourself, what it was you ever did to me. Imagine me, someone who trusted you, consider as my best greatest confidante but it turn out to be the other way around. I don't blame everything to you. But imagine me, someone, who blame herself for being not good enough, someone who almost lost her faith in herself, someone who almost got lost how a relationship should be despite her undeniably years of experience. Imagine and feel all of these, I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden in my heart.

And now I want you to think of the person I have become, and I want you to know that I am thankful for you creating someone that I am not. I am no longer feel worthless, I no longer have to force happiness. No more do I have to seek validation from others just to feel that I am worthy. I am thankful you were part of my life because you are the worst best thing happen to me.

I do hope you're happy, and I just want you to know I don't regret having you. I would never wish for you to experience the same hell as me, I just wish you the same happiness that I can finally experience everyday without the approval of others. Thank you for engulfing me in darkness, thank you for helping me grow, and thank you for pushing me further below the surface. For you have thought me to trust myself more without the opinion of others and most specially you have thought me to trust God more than ever without the help of others. Too many great things have come from that darkness.  Too many great things have come from you. And I wish and hope that too many good things will happen to you specially what all you heart desire.

For in the end, We accept the love we think we deserve.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

And So why nga?

Why is English so hard? This has been circulating in social media recently or maybe long time already (huli lang ako sa balita). 

Actually I am one of those people who find this so reasonable (nagpapalusot lang po hehe). Parang Marian Rivera lang ang peg, haha Hindi dapat sukatan ng talino ang husay sa pag ienglish -- Marian Rivera.

Did I really regret why I didn't take my student life so seriously, specially when it comes to English subject, though I enjoy every bit of it telling my children walang halong pagsisisi. 

But if given a chance and giving the right advise to them. I will definitely tell them na huwag na akong tularan pa. I've done so many mistakes in my past and I can relate those mistakes for not taking the English subject so seriously. I am telling them this not because I am wiser than them but because I know how much pain they need to go through if they will not take life a bit serious at an early age. 

People will judge you according to the norms and standards of the world and society. Pag hindi ka marunong mag English bobo ka, at kagaya din ng mga sumusunod, pag nangutang sa iyo ng nine times then doon sa ika ten times wala ka ng ipapautang, masama na ugali mo, pag nabuntis ka ng hindi kasal pokpok ka na, pag gusto mong mangarap mayabang ka. Pag naayos mo na ng konti buhay mo nag iba kana at hindi kana ma reach. Haha anong connect.  These are the cruelty and reality of life and being not so good in English is one of the things some people can judge you as stupid and ignorant..

And the not so good in English is one hell of a battle that I need to overcome. Specially when you are mix up with thousand of highly intellectual people. Educ grad eh! Nagmasters pa so mataas expectation (salamat talaga sa editor ko hehehe). I thank God I passed that stage looking back I am just so grateful for the high expectation. Na untill now trinatrabaho ko pa rin hehe. But one thing for sure, I may not be so good in it but what is important is I am willing to learn continuesly,  improve myself and overcome the change and challenges of life.

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